So you’re going to start a conversational community about equity issues...
That’s great, we believe in you, here are some humble tips!
We figured The Color of Fear would be an apt image for this post! (watch this film if you haven’t seen it, a real gem).
Is your company trying to make an affinity space? A conversational community? A SURJ group? What’s the name, what's the style, what’s the vibe? OK, ok we’re not trying to tease. These spaces can be really effective, important, and even transformative -- when done well and properly supported and cared for.
We actually happen to be really passionate about these types of spaces, they’re incredibly special when successful. We’ve started students of color groups and facilitated them, as well as run adult conversational communities (year long ones-- shout out to the National SEED project!), and conference ones. Every group of humans is different and facilitating is a true art form. If there’s anything we’ve really learned it’s that you have to find a style that works for you-- and it takes practice! We are always learning and growing in our facilitation skill set. That being said, there are some skills and considerations that support more successful group work. Here are some tips we have for people considering how to get started (so you can hopefully create The Most Magnificent Thing! We thought images from this book would be relevant:).
Plan
As much as we wish you could just sit in a room and have a great conversation about race, class, disability, sexuality... etc. It just doesn’t work like that most times! It is important to have a plan for the meeting, even if you follow the group and go off the plan (we’re here for intentional responsiveness)! Having a frame - an opening, a small check in and discussion, a concept taught/activity/resource shared, a reflection, a discussion, a closing - supports learning and ensures that conversations remain on topic. It often takes a while for the ice to break, for the group to be fully bought in, and for you to have modeled enough that you’re trustworthy and will take care of everyone as best you can in this space. Since these conversations are based within centuries of systemic oppression-- they are often painful, vulnerable, and wackadoodle. Not everyone will be available to show up every time, or at all (unfortunately). The best we can do as facilitators is model the expectations and provide structure and guidance to put the group in a position where we are actively talking about what hurts us all and move towards greater understanding.
2. Co-lead & plan your breaks
This work is exhausting. There are also no right answers. It takes teamwork, it takes tossing around ideas, it takes multiple perspectives. It also takes a pause sometimes (those ouch moments hurt!) and someone else to jump in or have the words or energy you don’t in any given moment. We highly recommend a water bottle to help you pause and then a bathroom break even if you don’t have to go just to breathe alone. We are firm believers in the importance of at least two people doing this work. It makes it more sustainable, more realistic, more honest, removes that front-of-the-room-leader ego, and models what we are all working towards-- a stronger community. This is a we thing; don’t try & go it alone.
We are getting to work!
3. Set the tone.
While some of our past students would probably want to tell you about their long process of creating the rules in our classrooms over the years (we firmly believe in this, you can read about it here), we still set the tone for the communities we create and facilitate. Structure is important, especially for white people who (often unknowingly) self sabotage their own growth and learning by derailing into tangents and repeated lines (this also goes back to why you need a plan). Moreover, with less structure, the most dominant humans tend to take over the conversation/space and the less dominant ones step back. It’s what we’ve learned - why would suddenly be different in a nerve-wracking equity conversation space?
The tone can come in a lot of forms. It can be rules like: “speak from the ‘I’ perspective only” or “what happens here stays here, what’s learned here, leaves here”, “be here when we’re together, no phones or checking out etc.”, “assume positive intent”, “no blame, no shame, no guilt.”, etc. There are tons of options and models of these that people use and find work best for their group. Many of the ones we mentioned above have been used in SEED seminars over the years.
No actually, team, this is going to be work!
4. Reinforce the tone.
This is not a space to come into begrudgingly. Having the opportunity to even be a part of a conversational community is an opportunity for self growth and further understanding of who you are and the world around you. What a gift-- it’s like free human school! You get to have real conversations with people around you, reflect on yourself, level up your understanding of theories and the brutality of the systems in and around you, and reimagine ways in which you will continue to make the world better. The framing we’ve always taken on this is: “no nonsense”. When humans get anxious they will often have negative inner voices about this space; your job will be crucial in being steady, repeating the framing and tone for why we are together, here, grateful and ready to be doing the work (see what we did there)? Speak it into existence!
We do want to note that “no nonsense” does not mean “no feelings”. In fact, we like to be very upfront and set expectations for feelings that might be had and options for how to accept them (yes, just like we would with kids). Everyone will have feelings in this space and noticing feelings is integral to this work. Setting a tone that gives people a guide to both expect these feelings and work through them to get to the core of the learning.
Our thoughts shape our reality and our lives. Can we repeat one more time how important it is then to push our thoughts, challenge our thoughts, take on other’s thoughts? We can grow our entire lived experience this way- so powerful.
5. Be prepared to take on a teacher-type personality!
This personality should still be you (if it’s not you, everyone will see through it AND you’ll be exhausted and won’t be able to sustain whatever vibe you’re trying to put out)! That being said, know that just like when you were in school, people (yes, even adults!) will look at you differently and look towards your modeling and leadership. Facilitating is leading and it’s a hefty responsibility. For example, if you take a break to eat snacks and start talking smack about a colleague-- you’ve ruined the modeling and safety of your space even though it is ‘off time’. If your goal is to promote an open/safe/challenging space, you do really need to be “on”; adults are even more perceptive and less trusting than our kids, which says a lot - our kids see all.the.things.
6. Have a food budget.
Normally we would suggest food at the beginning and snack time as a break about halfway in a meeting, but since everything is virtual right now, requesting a budget for food somehow might require more creativity. Food is community, a good fidget, a way to connect... !
7. Use humor.
This ish is heavy. It’s our lives. It’s oppression passed on for generations. It’s not going away. There are times in this work when it is not appropriate in any form to laugh. But! the moments where you can, when you can, we implore you to use it. The silly stuff. An opening greeting, a sweet video to warm up, a joke about your bad cooking, the way your grandma teases you... humor does connect us. We can’t make these spaces ‘fun’ per se (you really can’t), but no one says the entire process has to be suffering either (even Buddha doesn’t say that)!
Never tease a member. You’ve worked too hard to make the space safe, it is just not worth it if someone takes something the wrong way or you’ve taken a misstep and hurt them. They will be shut off from the space and we don’t have time for that.
8. Model reflection
If you did make a mistake like the one above, apologize. Model not knowing something, model considering a different point of view, model caring about something. You might not need to take it to a full teacher “think aloud” but it is so important to model the reflecting-and-taking-ownership process. We will all flop as we try to be better to one another and so we have to see and know how to do this well and often. We have to make it expected and normalized.
Have an opening and a closing to provide space to reflect and ease and in and out of the group.
Have a way to receive feedback and earnestly repeat how much you value and want it (and mean it)! When I really bomb on a lesson I call them AFOG’s (another f*ing growth opportunity - with the words in the wrong order to make me laugh and remember to lighten up)! Whatever tools you use, use them! And share them, too, so people see how you’re showing up for growth of yourself and your little community.
9. Share some, but not much
If you share nothing and pass every time you are going to seem holier than thou. If you share for five minutes every time or lecture you're going to seem holier than thou. Know very clearly you’re not a participant, but also know you’re a member of this community. You need to share some in order for it to feel comfortable for participants to share with you.
10. Provide times you’re available (and/but get paid)
There are people who are going to want (or need!) to have a chat with you outside the rest of the group. This is important, but also be careful. Some people need further learning so they don’t offend someone else, and you are the available patient human who can guide them through maybe a problematic thought etc. That is your job, not another participant’s. However, you do need to think carefully about what times you make available and have clear cut offs or you will never stop thinking about your group! Also, get paid. This group will take a lot of your time and energy.
11. Be hands on, relevant
If the format is the same every week people will zone out. Even in this virtual world there are ways to be hands on! We love simulations but there are so many ways to keep people present and active in the conversation aside from just talking at them or doing circle conversations (where everyone is asked to share). That being said, do not eliminate the circle conversation from the meeting ever entirely. It’s important to hear all voices and share.
If you’re choosing something from 1974 that you’ve used fifteen times, double check that it’s good, know why you’re choosing it. You have limited attention spans so you have to choose excellent resources. There are so many (!!!) short pieces that are brilliant as well as the constant world we live in to connect to what you’re talking about. This keeps it real.
12. Ask questions
We make a point of not interrupting when facilitating (especially hard for me, Gabby, because in my general life I often do - ugh)! But it’s a no go zone in facilitating.
That being said, letting a moment that needs a timeout slide is not the move either. Wait for someone to finish talking and ask questions to guide, or pivot to share a resource etc. These ‘ouch’ moments are crucial to everyone’s learning. They have to happen, and you have to be responsive and show up, you’re the voice that keeps everyone, but especially the most oppressed safe.
13. Have affinity time/break out times
If you have a mixed crowd, this is essential. POC need a break. We need time without white people and we still want to and need to talk about these concepts too. Some of our toughest conversations have happened in the POC affinity space actually (talk about anti-blackness in other non black POC groups!? It gets tough)! This time is important for white people too, but have a clear plan for how their affinity time especially will go.
14. Stick to the time.
We use timers when we are doing formal facilitating. We tell people how much time each person has and go around the group. We set the tone by saying we will say “thank you” when your time is up even if you are mid word mid sentence you stop. We mean thank you, and we also must go on.
Some people choose to let the time sit even if the person says they have nothing to say and hold the space for that person. Sometimes that person ends up chiming in because they don’t want to sit for the minute quietly or they realize with the time held they want to share their voice. Some facilitators honor the pass, it’s up to you and your group.
Regardless, end the group on time and keep the timer vigilant. The expectation is people show up wholeheartedly ready to work, and so when the time is done they’ll need to return to their jobs, babies, dogs etc. and we need to honor that and they will show up better for it.
15. Reinforce the tone, expressing gratitude and pride
We don’t mean this to say be self congratulatory or to pet white people.
What we do mean is that talking with others openly and honestly about systemic issues is hard. Trying sincerely and being committed to knowing you will fail, getting up and growing and challenging yourself again-- in any endeavor is something as teachers, we believe in.
Facilitating resources we love: SEED, Teaching for Change, NWSJTC
And more!
Feel free to reach out to us to hear more about resources we love, how we approach this work, or if you could just use a coach and cheering on as you get going!
Onwards!